A Very Personal Post
There is something that I have been wanting to share for quite a few months now and it’s been hard not talking about it on the blog or my social media, as it’s such an important part of my life at the moment. I have drafted and re-drafted this post and almost pressed “Publish” a number of times. Initially, I was planning to post before Christmas, then the first week of January, but have kept postponing until now…
Patrick and I have some really happy news – we are expecting a baby at the beginning of May and needless to say we are over the moon. A new chapter in our life together will begin in a few months’ time and I hope you will all enjoy coming on the journey with us. The reason I have taken so long to talk about it publicly is that sadly it has been a bit of a rocky road for us to get to this stage. I feel that it’s important to be honest and open and share our journey, in the hope that it might offer support to others who are also struggling in their quest to become parents. Similar blog posts have definitely helped me feel less alone in the past.
Patrick and I got married five years ago and started trying for a baby straight away. As with many couples, it didn’t happen instantly and at first, we weren’t too stressed about it as we were enjoying just being together and also having a busy time with our property development business. Fast forward a couple of years and we weren’t feeling quite so calm. We had seen a wonderful fertility doctor, who advised that we may need IVF, but we decided to keep trying naturally for another few months. I was having acupuncture and we were both being super healthy - we decided that if I still wasn’t pregnant by early the following year, then we would try IVF. Anyone who has gone through fertility treatment will know that it is not only a big physical undertaking, but emotionally it is a rollercoaster. In the run-up to starting I tried to prepare myself mentally for how it would feel if it didn’t work out for us. Could I/we see a life without children in it? I read books and researched articles about the subject – it may sound strange, but for me, it was crucial to try and go into the process hopeful, but not with everything riding on it. We were over the moon when our first round worked. We fully appreciated how lucky we were and couldn’t quite believe it.
The pregnancy started off smoothly - I was lucky not to suffer from morning sickness and it was a relaxed and happy time until we arrived at our 20-week scan. The scan picked up that there was only a very small amount of fluid around the baby. They asked us to step into a private room to wait for a consultant to see us; we knew this wasn’t a good sign. When we saw the specialist the prognosis was not at all good. All the possible outcomes were negative - they told us that it was too early for the baby to be able to survive if born now and there just wasn’t enough fluid for the baby to be able to continue to grow and develop in the womb. The only option was to end the pregnancy, which was utterly heartbreaking. I will spare you the details of the next seven days; I was induced many times but labour wouldn’t progress. Eventually, I had to have an emergency caesarian followed by multiple blood transfusions. Patrick was beyond amazing throughout – I definitely could not have done it without him and once we were home he continued to be the most amazing support, as it was a few months before I was properly back on my feet again. Once I was physically on the mend I then felt strong enough to try and deal with the emotional side of it all - my initial instinct was to try for another baby as soon as we could, but the doctors said we had to wait at least a year. Next came a total fear of being pregnant again – such a confusing state to be in – desperate for a baby, but desperate not to have to go through another pregnancy. I researched surrogacy, adoption etc and then, feeling exhausted by it all, decided to put it all out of my mind for a few months.
Last May we went ahead with another round of IVF – the first transfer wasn’t successful, but luckily, by September I was pregnant again. As anyone who has experienced a similar loss will know, being pregnant again is lovely, but also a scary and anxious time. I’ve been wanting to share and celebrate the news, but something has been holding me back. Now I am six months along, I think I’m ready to feel some of the excitement I felt the first time around and try to ignore the feelings of fear that still often creep in. I can’t wait to start planning and designing the nursery, as well as putting in place all the other things we need to organise before our little one arrives in May. I look forward to sharing this on the blog.
As with all dark times, there is often a silver lining, however hard to find. For me, it was that during my recovery I really threw myself into Instagram, and later my blog. They were the perfect way to escape my reality at the time, and through that, I have met some wonderfully inspiring women, who have been such a support to me.
I plan to write another post in a few weeks’ time, specifically about pregnancy after loss, as it has been a real journey in itself. I’m sure the people who have supported me could really help others going through something similar. Thank you for taking the time to read this and for all your support on the blog to date - I look forward to sharing lots of Baby BM updates with you over the coming months.
Laura x
Photography by Sophie Lindsay
Laura Butler-Madden